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Monday, December 22, 2014

Looking Ahead: 2015

I'm part of a group of bloggers that are doing a 12 week blog "challenge" with 12 weeks of suggested topics. I'm pretty excited, as it gets me blogging more - and blogging a bit out of my norm.

The week 1 Topic is "Power Word" - choosing a power word for 2015. I had to think long and hard about this. Hence why I'm technically writing this in week 2...oops! I went over this a few times in my head. It was hard to pick just ONE word. I know others have chosen more than one word, or phrase, but I wanted to keep it simple for once. So I settled on:

Merriam-Webster defines Trust as:


 noun \ˈtrəst\
: belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.

So why did I pick Trust as my word? It's an area I struggle in. Trusting people, trusting the process, trusting myself.

Right now, my biggest issue is in trusting the process. Trusting the surgery process. Ok well, the surgery was a great success (I can't post any pics until after I see my family in a few days... They want to be "surprised" to see my progress in the past 5-6 weeks since they saw me last). I've had very few complications - and up until this weekend, nothing I ate bothered me. (Except green beans... ). But it's the after process. Following the plan is fairly easy - but my brain has yet to catch up to the fact that my body has shed close to 100lbs (weighing in at the surgeon's office today or tomorrow ...hoping that last 6lbs is GONE!). But it's an interesting mindf*ck to not SEE the changes unless I put pics side by side most of the time. I can't seem to TRUST that it's happening. Last night, I DID see my collarbone "dips" and a hint of collarbone sticking out in a "normal" stance... so I DO have moments that I realize it's happening, but  mostly...not so much. I know it's common, but I don't like it.

I have an even bigger issue trusting this whole running process. I do it. I literally put one foot in front of the other, at a pace faster than a walk...yet I can't believe it. I'm learning that I don't know how to pace myself. I'm learning that I can run much longer in time/distance than I thought I could, especially when I remember to pace myself ... but the whole thing? Mind boggling. Not a clue why. I know what I need to do...I know how to do it, I just can't seem to trust the process.

And trusting people? Well yeah. We'll get into that later, maybe.

SO... for 2015, my word, my mantra and my focus is on Trust. I'll probably need a few reminders along the way.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Fix You (4 Months)

Fix You - Cold Play
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

This song, for a long time, has been a favorite of mine. Various reasons for that, but lately, it keeps creeping into my mind. I realized, I think I wanted to be the one I was fixing. And finally, we're there. As 4 months creeps firmly into view, I'm starting to feel like maybe this is working. Yes, I had my doubts. I still do, then I look at side by side pics. Less doubt there. (And a lot less doubt when I look at the money I've spent on workout stuff lately... )

Ever so slowly, this is getting easier. Most days, I think. Ok well, we're going with "it's getting easier". I'm starting to forget to eat. My sleeve doesn't always remind me - so there's that. Water? We're getting there, especially when I wake up with dehydration headaches. (And friendly reminders "did you drink your water???") Maybe I'm just figuring out the groove of "different".

I successfully navigated my birthday - dinner with my amazing friends (Mexican... duh) and then a night at the corner bar. Much debauchery, laughter and fun - it was exactly what I needed to ring in 38! Someone asked me that night what my most memorable birthday was. I really had to think - and by the end of the night, my answer changed to "This one". It really was awesome. Inside jokes (I'm a chicken!), singing at the top of our lungs to the Juke Box, laughing, lots and lots of laughing, The next day I went shopping and spent the day by myself - just what I needed. Happy Birthday to me... I got a new Kate Spade bag - hooked!  Finishing up the weekend of birthday, was a Jewish wedding with my friend Sheila. Navigated dinner at a wedding (beef!) and did good. It's getting easier, and better.

Birthday Pic

A few days after my birthday, I got a call my Grandmother wasn't doing so well - and I was in the car the next day, driving to Vermont. Navigated that well, too! (10 hours, 10 minutes, my best time ever! Not having to stop to eat was great!) I was a little worried about the drive post op, but it was fine. I made sure to pack my snacks, shakes, water etc. I did fine. Spent a few days in VT with family and was back in the Beach by the weekend. Gram and I did take her first selfie, too!

Gram's First Selfie:

Thanksgiving was uneventful. I stayed in bed until 3p (I got up, did a few things here and there but lounged in bed) and finally got ready for Black Friday (Thursday) shopping. Beads, workout gear, a few presents...all was good! I had to return most of the running clothes I got b/c they were... too big. What? Yeah... really. And it was such a good deal, I had to go back and get the next size down just to have. The "next size down"? Women's large. Um. what?? It still blows my mind. I don't even have the words.

The question everyone wants to know, how much have you lost? My (first) goal? Is 100lbs (total, including pre-surg) by Christmas. That goal, is firmly in sight. I see no reason why I won't hit it, and possibly be on my way to my 2nd goal. It's also time to admit that my hair is starting to thin. Not as bad as I've heard some say - it's not falling out in clumps, but it is definitely coming out when I brush it. I'm knocking on wood it's not "bad' yet, but I'm fully prepared to chop it off, if need be. I'd like to not have to - I'm digging the long hair, but it's just hair, it WILL grow back.

4 Months (less a week - the pic was last week....close enough?)
Week before surgery//last Saturday after a run (in said XL running tights)

So what else. Life...it's just passing by. New friends, old friends, they all make this so much fun. I'm so happy to have some fabulous friends that "get" this whole journey in my life. It makes things easier to understand, and to bounce things off of. I'm an open book to MY friends, but I love having those friends who truly understand it.

Oh right. And running. One day I'll like it, Well, enough to run 5 miles, right? I'm getting used to it, and start a full training plan on Jan 1. I'll get there... mind over matter at this point. I keep telling myself that. Surely it will work.

So... that's life 4 mos post op. I'm fixing me, and loving (most) every second of it.

And this last pic - I had meeting in NYC last week - and snapped this before I headed out. Felt amazing! I logged over 5 miles that day/evening in NYC. I asked the cab driver to drop me off a few blocks from my location, I walked to catch a cab 5 or 6 blocks after our event in Central Park, and was on my feet all night during event. It felt amazing to feel that good!