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Thursday, November 29, 2012

I am... Unwritten

Reaching for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it. Release your inhibitions, feel the rain on your skin. No one else can feel it for you only you can let it in. No one else, no one else can speak the words on your lips. Drench yourself in words unspoken, live your life with arms wide open. Today is where your book begins. The rest is still unwritten

I read a blog post that Chelsea at Diamonds, Dog Tags and Diapers wrote for a linkup over at From Mrs. to Mama, that was, in short, a quick blurb about who you were. I read the Women Connect post a couple of times, and it struck me. Who am *I*? I've been thinking about it since yesterday, and this blog post. I mean, I know WHO I am, but I don't know, some days, who I am. (In my mind, it makes sense). I'm 36, single, the hotel world is my biz, revenue manager, trying to get in shape/healthy/lose weight, and I'm ready to start looking into the adoption process. I don't write about a lot of things I should. I don't write about who I am a lot. I've let this journey define me in a lot of ways, when it doesn't need to. I can be a hotelier, a revenue manager (and love it), be single (ugh b/c really, this dating thing... sucks!), a friend, a daughter and STILL be on a journey to fitness.

When I started this blog, I decided to call it "Checking Out, Checking In" for a number of reasons. The obvious, I've been doing this hotel thing since I was 20ish. I had also just left a city I loved (Omaha), a life I was starting with my now ex-fiance, and great friends, for Virginia Beach. I picked the Beach on a map basically knowing just one person. I wanted to be closer to home (hello last minute trip for Dad's stroke this summer), but I also wanted to be near the beach. Success, I got what I wanted. I was checking out of a life I thought was going to be MY life. New job, new city, wedding planning, and checking into a new life, that was full of promise. I realize that life is ever evolving, and I realize the journey, every single day, is unwritten. It's what you make of it, who you invite into your world, and how you continue to get back up when you fall down that matters. Every day, I find myself checking out and checking back in. Work is stressful. Friendships that were once familiar are difficult. New (amazing, wonderful) friends unexpectedly came into my world. Old friendships become stronger. And family is always there.

And now? I'm checking back in... to just do it. Work out. It's really, really NOT that hard. Do it. JUST DO IT. I'm checking back in to who I am, or who I want to be? Who I was? who knows. I know, whatever I do, it's going to be fun. There will be laughter, champagne, crafts (goodness, if you know me, you know I'm NOT crafty, but thanks to my new, dear friend Donna, that's changing!), probably tears, and adventures in working out and... the newest addition, delving into adoption. I am unwritten, and I like it.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Not Ready to Make Nice

I’m not ready to make nice, I’m not ready to back down, I’m still mad as hell and I don’t have time to go round and round and round. It’s too late to make it right, I probably wouldn't if I could, ‘Cause I’m mad as hell, can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should. - Dixie Chicks

I've struggled to blog lately. Shocking. I feel like I'm self-censoring for a number of reasons. On top of that, at the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is type more, form more coherent thoughts, and put things in writing.

Tomorrow is my 36th birthday. I have mixed feelings about this. 30? Could not WAIT. 35... wasn't too bad. 36? Not digging it. I should be married, with a child, or a child on the way. Logically, anyway. We walked away from that. Ironically, the ex is engaged now. The guy I dated after that? Having a baby. Life certainly works in odd ways. So, let's recap. No husband, no baby. The husband? I can deal without having. The baby (child...)... the desire hasn't gone away. I know, a good woman would find a man, settle down, get married, then decide to have a baby. I don't really care about doing things the way I should. I have a great job and a career and that's half the battle.

I've been round and round with the workout, weight loss thing. I feel like I suck at life. I know...I know. Stubborn as my best friend says (you can even read it here!), "Just Do It!" as I was recently told by another acquaintance. Slowly but surely, right? I've exercised every day this week, in some form. I don't want to over-do it again with my back, but I'm dying for a hard leg day - the one that leaves you with jello legs and sore for days. Leg day makes me feel invincible, and powerful. Silly, but it does. 

So how does it all tie together? I won't back down (I don't like to lose). I don't want to do what people think I should... so I'm going to do it... all of it. Damn it. I'm going to kick 36 in the ass and laugh as 37 rolls around in 365 days, when I'm better, stronger, and happier. And the child? I'm taking a step that simultaneously SCARES me and brings me comfort. I'm going to an adoption event on Sunday. It's an event for at risk/troubled children that end up in foster care, but a lot are eligible for adoption. I don't know what's going to come of it, but adoption has always seemed...natural... to me.

So... here's to 36. No turning back...no excuses. No making nice. Kicking ass, taking names.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

No words

I've tried to blog.... I've tried to put the thoughts in my head into words. It's not working. So, music it is. These songs describe how I'm feeling and have been on repeat for the last few days.

Goodbye In Her Eyes - Zac Brown Band

Coming to Terms - Carolina Liar

Maybe tomorrow I'll have more to say. Maybe.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

If If Changes Your Life, Let It

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
Love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don’t.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy.
They just promised it would be worth it.

This is one of my favorites... Today though, it's a reminder. No regrets... take chances. In the end, it will be worth it.