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Wednesday, October 17, 2012

So much to say...

I feel like I'm channeling Dave Matthews (so much to say, so much to say, so much to say) and John Mayer (Say... say what you need to say ...say what you need to say....) lately. Lots on my mind, but not a lot I want to put in words. Maybe words make it real? Self-censorship at it's finest!

What could I talk about? Dating (really... it would be filed in the comedy section), relationships (mystery), work (Look up "Deuced" ...no thanks), or me. And well, I feel like I'm a pretty boring pity party right now.

My hurt back is the root of the pity party. Sore... hurts...sore... it's just crappy. I've been talking it easy and it's getting better, but I'm not patient. Guess I should look up open swim and swim classes at the gym. THAT would be a good idea. But I want to lift damn it. I want to have a set of barbells across my shoulders squatting my best ever weight. Why? Because honestly? It makes me feel powerful, like I'm doing something. Leg Day is and was always my favorite day. I might be sore, deep sore, for days after, but there was nothing like it. NOTHING like dead lifting 175# (multiple reps, PR, but not my normal), nothing like squatting close to that. The burn was indescribable. I miss that. I'm dumb for missing that b/c I should just be doing it.

So, I know what to do. I even know what to do while my back works out the kinks. So why aren't I? Dumb. Just dumb. I try to recall the moment that I walked into the gym for the 1st time 2 years ago. What got me there, to that point. I was motivated. Why aren't I now, and how do I get back there? Is it just a point? I can say I'm going to go, go for a few days and fall off. How do I get back to being the 5 day a week gym girl?

Hopefully the pity party doesn't last long.... b/c I don't like it!

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