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Thursday, October 18, 2012

A Reason, A Season, or a Lifetime

I firmly believe that everyone in my life is a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out why, other times it's readily apparent. I've been rocked by a friendship I thought was a "Lifetime". I'm realizing that a current relationship is ... a "Reason" or a "Season". I'm still trying to figure out what. But it's time to turn the page, start the next chapter. It sort of sucks. It's sad to realize it won't end up being a "Lifetime", but it's refreshing to know that whatever need was there, seems to have been fulfilled. I am pretty sure I have it figured out, but maybe I don't. Maybe I'm all wrong. I'm hoping that turning the page and starting the next chapter with a pristine page will be push I need in other areas.

"It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant" I'm thankful beyond belief for the lifetime, true friendships I have made, that exist, and those friendships I'm hopeful will be lifetime friendships.

A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you
will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount
of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said
that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Author Unknown

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

So much to say...

I feel like I'm channeling Dave Matthews (so much to say, so much to say, so much to say) and John Mayer (Say... say what you need to say ...say what you need to say....) lately. Lots on my mind, but not a lot I want to put in words. Maybe words make it real? Self-censorship at it's finest!

What could I talk about? Dating (really... it would be filed in the comedy section), relationships (mystery), work (Look up "Deuced" ...no thanks), or me. And well, I feel like I'm a pretty boring pity party right now.

My hurt back is the root of the pity party. Sore... hurts...sore... it's just crappy. I've been talking it easy and it's getting better, but I'm not patient. Guess I should look up open swim and swim classes at the gym. THAT would be a good idea. But I want to lift damn it. I want to have a set of barbells across my shoulders squatting my best ever weight. Why? Because honestly? It makes me feel powerful, like I'm doing something. Leg Day is and was always my favorite day. I might be sore, deep sore, for days after, but there was nothing like it. NOTHING like dead lifting 175# (multiple reps, PR, but not my normal), nothing like squatting close to that. The burn was indescribable. I miss that. I'm dumb for missing that b/c I should just be doing it.

So, I know what to do. I even know what to do while my back works out the kinks. So why aren't I? Dumb. Just dumb. I try to recall the moment that I walked into the gym for the 1st time 2 years ago. What got me there, to that point. I was motivated. Why aren't I now, and how do I get back there? Is it just a point? I can say I'm going to go, go for a few days and fall off. How do I get back to being the 5 day a week gym girl?

Hopefully the pity party doesn't last long.... b/c I don't like it!

Monday, October 15, 2012

Last Goodbye

I don't have much... Well, I have a lot, but my mind is spinning. This song, along with a few others, is stuck on repeat in my mind. It covers a lot of bases. So, I'll leave you with it, for today. More to come!

Goodbye - Kenny Wayne Shepherd

Long before your rusted chains
Busted walls and barb wire cage
Tried to hold me down

And time was just a fist of change
Tossed in the water just in case
You ever came around

I could lose myself
I could curse like hell
But I've lost the will
To even try

If you ever doubt
Listen to the sound
No lies, no no no
This is my last goodbye

Now pardon me if I appear
To see beyond the now and here
To try to save myself

I'm not the kind to pin the blame
But I can't take more of the same
Livin' on your shelf

I could lose myself
I could curse like hell
But I've lost the will
To even try

If you ever doubt
Listen to the sound
No lies, no no no
This is my last goodbye, oh yeah

Door closes
Another one opens
I feel the cold wind blowin' over me

Hey, long gone but not forgotten
I might be lost
I might be finally free
I'm finally free

Long before you're rusted chains
Busted walls and barb wire cage
Tried to hold me down

And time was just a fist of change
Tossed in the water just in case
You ever came around

I could lose myself
I could curse like hell
But I've lost the will
To even try

If you ever doubt
Listen to the sound
No lies, no no no
This is my last goodbye

This is my last goodbye
Yes it is, yes it is

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Do Not Let the Bitterness Steal Your Sweetness

Be Soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place. - Kurt Vonnegut

I knew when I read this on Never Say Never Blog's  Facebook Page, that it would inspire a blog post. I've been thinking about it for a few days, the words rolling around in my thoughts. Bitterness is a dear friend of mine, even when I say it's not. I claim that things don't bother me, but in reality, they do. Some, even a few years later, for logical yet still DUMB reasons. I can say that in instances lately, bitterness certainly has stolen my sweetness. Time for a change!

I have the ability to fix what makes me unhappy, and that's exactly what I'm going to do. I KNOW I feel better when I work out. I KNOW working out takes out the days frustrations. I KNOW I sleep better after a good hard lifting session. So if I KNOW all these things, WTF is stopping me? Oh right. Me. I'm the one in my own freaking way. So how am I going to do that? Accountability. Gym. Pool. Gym. Pool. Food Diary. Gym. And somewhere in there, continue to put ME first. I sort of suck at that a lot.

In the midst of writing this, a friend called me unexpectedly. We'd been texting last night and I mentioned it's been a long couple of weeks between being in my own little funk, tweaking my back, work being pretty demanding and busy, and last of all, walking away from the friendship. He had, as always, great words of wisdom on most of the topics, but left alone the friendship. His call today was to tell me he was thinking about me, that he's cheering me out of my funk, and oh that friendship? "Fuck it, if it's not two way, it's no way". Wise words.

So... here's to Me and finding my sweetness.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Biting My Tongue

This morning I woke feeling rather refreshed. A nice walk last night (ok, it was freaking humid, helllloooo Mother Nature, it's October, a little fall weather would be ok!), and a yum dinner (roaster chicken, mashed potatoes w/ a bit of butter substitute and chix stock, veggies) capped off my evening. I avoided the debates, although I'm pretty sure if I had actually paid attention to Twitter, I could have gotten a great recap.

I didn't sleep GREAT but I attribute that to the 203982340938 bottles of water I drank yesterday. Like most mornings, I start my day w/ the team at GMA (#TeamRobin!), and I pull my work email down, browse Gmail, Twitter and Facebook, from bed. As I was browsing FB, I found myself reading a post from someone I trusted immensely when I started my fitness/workout journey. At one time, I thought of this person as a champion for me, someone who was in my corner, and here was reading words "I thought to myself WHO WANTS TO BE CALLED THE OPPOSITE? WHO WANTS TO BE CALLED THE 3-LETTER F WORD?" Uh...3-letter "F" word? Really? Maybe it strikes a chord in me b/c I AM that  "3-letter F word", but I think it's more that this was someone who helped me START my journey and here they were, unable to say (type) the word fat and thinking it would be a tragedy to be called that horrible word. It was all I could do not to reply, b/c I knew that it would probably not be taken well (uh, ya know), and it would start something I honestly didn't want to get into. 

It still doesn't sit well with me - but that's ok. Not my loss. I'm doing me, they can do them. And doing me means eating better and working out again like I used to. I even dug out the Costco sized bottle of ibuprofen that I know I'm going to need. 

On a similar note, I decided to walk away recently from a toxic, draining friendship. I think I've known for a while that was the right choice, but it took a while to get to that point. It was a hard choice, agonizing. I pray daily for this friend, but I know in my heart of hearts, walking away right now was best for me, and I'm the only one that matters right now (to me). I feel lighter without the weight of having to choose my words, or, deciding to say what's on my mind and getting shitty responses back. I'm sad b/c I don't even think it's noticed that I chose this, but as I just said. I'm doing me. I'm blessed with amazing friends. Inspiring friends. (and since we're talking about inspiring, check out my friend Christa! She's a runner and has stage 4 metastatic breast cancer ... and THAT doesn't stand in her way.... I really have NO good excuses!)

Lastly, I'll leave you with a pic of my Best Friend and I from my last trip to Vermont. I don't look good in it, but I don't care, it's Bevy & Stella (our nicknames ...that came from a lovely autocorrected text, she's Bevy, I'm Stella!). Her blog today made me cry... again! 

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

I can't do this life without you

When I think about my best friend Lee Ann, that will always pop into my head (and likely one day, be permanently tattoo'd on my body). I can't do this life without you. She's my best friend, the sister I never biologically had, but have been blessed with, my champion, my advocate, the one I bitch to, the one I cry, laugh (snorting laughing!), and commiserate with. She's my Best Friend, with capital letters. And now, we're on a "get healthy" journey together. No doubt, like everything we do through distance (Vermont to Virginia) or together (Oh... the stories), this will be an adventure filled with laughter, tears, frustration and most of all love!

You can follow Lee Ann's blog here - and I encourage you do to so! She's hilarious! I'll be updating more regularly (we made a pact!).

There's no "diet" here - just a journey to get healthier and for some of us, get pregnant. (No Mom, not me, not yet...although I DO think Lee Ann has different ideas on that!) Some of us just want to look and feel better.

This is my motivation... and I'm so glad my bestie is by my side, like everything. Stayed tuned for more... and don't worry, if you're confused by lipstick covered teeth comments, wonder about our big hair or Virgin Slims, don't worry... you're not alone, but I'm sure you'll laugh at the stories that explain them!

Here's go nothing...