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Monday, August 2, 2010

I'm Moving On

I'm Moving On - Rascal Flatts
I'm movin' on. At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me and I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone. There comes a time in everyone's life when all you can see are the years passing by \and I have made up my mind that those days are gone. I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't stopped to fill up on my way out of town. I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't. I had to lose everything to find out. Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road

I have a feeling this will be a bit disjointed and jumping around - there's a lot on my mind. I'll start with the highlights: (These may be in the wrong order ... sorry!)

  • Went back to the gym again. I took an extended break for a pity party. 
  • Found some awesome new recipes I can't wait to try - I'll be posting recipes along with blog entries in the coming days/weeks. I'm excited to try the 100 calorie margaritas and vodka cocktails too!
  • I'm making a renewed point to live life for me and about me. 
  • I've decided I need to learn meditation - I want a clear, calm mind
  • I need to forgive my ex. 
The last few weeks have been crazy at work - nuts. Yelling hotels, unhappy hotels, more unhappy hotels, fixes, more upset hotels, more fixes. Never a dull moment. The stress was there though. Add in a long weekend trip to Omaha and I missed a week and half at the gym. My trip to Omaha was filled with almost every emotion from joy to exhaustion to sadness to anger. I was visiting on of my best friends, so I made a pretty stealth trip. A few people knew the details, a few more as it got closer. I got some quality time with friends, lots of fun times filled with laughter with C, and a revelation (while sitting in a bar no less) that I really need to forgive my ex. The anger and bitterness came back with a vengeance. I wasn't prepared for that at all. It took me by surprise and I know changed the tone of my last day in Omaha. Without going into details - I've come to realize that I need to, must, have to forgive my ex. While I've moved on - and wouldn't go back, this last detail is the hardest, biggest and the one standing in my way and causing me pain - even a year later. So now the big question... HOW do I forgive him - and what am I forgiving? Does he even need to know? (Probably not, it's best that way). My revelation led to me being a bit reserved on the last day of my trip, pushing away someone I didn't need to - and overwhelmed. We spent the afternoon before my flight at the zoo. I love the zoo - I love any zoo, but I hadn't been to the Omaha zoo since the ex proposed - in front of the giraffes. We spent the afternoon wandering around laughing at the animals and taking it all in. As we rounded the corner to the giraffe exhibit. I honestly thought I could stand there, in the same place I was almost a year to the day and be ok with it. And I was - for all of about a minute. I couldn't talk, I just pulled my sunglasses off the top of my head and on to my face, turned on my heel and made a bee-line for anywhere but there. Poor C ... Thankfully - he knew - and let me cry for a minute and then does what he always does - made me laugh.
Sitting at the airport bar, taking it all in I was filled with so many emotions. Anger kept taking over though as I knew I needed to forgive and move on. How could I not have forgiven though at this point? The last week has been hard - I've not really known what to say or think, and in the process pushed someone I shouldn't have. I'm defensive and on edge.

Somewhere along the way during my pity party for one, I decided it was back to basics in making ME happy. Work, gym, cooking, reading more books, and enjoying life - the life I have, that's been given to me. I used to read books like they were going out of style - but over the last few years, I have found myself not able to concentrate for long on them. So I'm going to work on that. I have a number of suggestions, and a number of unread books sitting here. I am going to start learning about meditation - I want a clear mind, a calm mind. Suggestions are welcome. I am not 100% sure where to start, but I'll get there. Which leads me to my last 2 bullet points ...

I've found a great site (I saw it on "The View" - don't laugh!) call Hungry Girl (www.hungry-girl.com) - she has a few cookbooks out - and takes lots of full fat/calorie meals/snacks/foods and makes them lower cal and better all around. There are a couple cookbooks of hers that I will be getting as well. Stay tuned for new recipes!!

And the gym. I knew I needed to go back. I knew I needed something more intense. I have to run a 5k in 3.5 mos... not going to the gym isn't an option anymore. So I went in today .. and told Billy (Mr. Pain) that I needed something more intense, an in essence, an ass-kicking. Billy's wife Lisa (Mrs. Pain) was in the gym - and they decided they were going to invite themselves to my pity party and give me the ass-kicking I asked for. In hindsight, I maybe should have thought about that. I'm still doing 3 days of weights/cardio and 2 of just cardio (I'm taking weekends off - for me, for my own needs) - but my weight/cardio days just got a lot harder. 30 mins of cardio - and a new weight circuit that works a lot of my core - but arms (holy crap) and legs. I was worried about being able to walk up the stairs, I really should have been worried about being able to lift a glass of water to my lips. New machines, lots of free weights and some new core work. My abs hurt bad enough I thought I was going to throw up, my arms were shaking. I love it. LOVE it. Can't wait for more. And let me just say - doing crunches is getting easier, sit ups are ok... not my fave, but a sit up w/ a 7lb medicine ball in your hands and feet held down SUCKS. Monica Selles and her grunting on the court when she's hitting tennis balls ain't got nothing on me doing a sit up with a medicine ball. It wasn't even voluntary either!

And my last bit. In talking with Billy when I could breathe and catch a breath - I mentioned the blog and how I have gotten nice emails asking when I was going to update, scolded because I haven't, and some demanding "update!!" comments - he hit the nail on the head - it's about accountability.

So I'm moving on... I'm not letting life pass me by ... and I'm going to find this forgiveness that I need.

2 comments:

  1. Keep up the good work!! Can't wait to see/try the new recipes. Love you

    ReplyDelete