Header/Navigation Bar/Social Media Icons

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Ready to Run

Ready to Run - Dixie Chicks


I feel the wind blow through my hair, I'm gonna be ready this time. I'll buy a ticket to anywhere, I'm gonna be ready this time, You see it feels like I'm starting to care and I'm gonna be ready this time. Oh yeah. Ready ready ready ready...ready to run, all I'm ready to do is have some fun. What's all this talk about love? I'm ready to run...I'm ready to run

I don't have much to say. I do, the words aren't there, or well, the nice words. Intervals today. Speed walking for 90 seconds, running for 60. For 40 minutes. I hate running. I know how the hamster in the wheel feels. My mind was not in the game. I was there, but not there in anything more than my presence. Thankfully my trainer realized that and left me to my own thoughts and running. But... I'll figure it out. The running and my thoughts. And I'm not giving up. I'll learn to tolerate running.

 ou see it feels like I'm starting to care and I'm gonna be ready this time. Oh yeah. Ready ready ready ready...ready to run......

Monday, August 16, 2010

I'm Not Afriad

I'm Not Afraid - Eminem

I'm not afraid, to take a stand. Everybody come take my hand. We'll walk this road together, through the storm whatever weather, cold or warm. Just lettin you know that, you're not alone. Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road. 

Work, gym, vodka-y drink, yummy dinner. That was my day/evening. I'm relaxing on the couch right now looking at running plans. "Couch to 5K" is loosely what I'll be doing. I'm not 100% sure about this, but here goes nothing! Oddly ... I'm not scared. A little nervous about looking like a fool running... because really, I am pretty sure running is only meant for if you're being chased... but I'm excited. Everyone keeps saying how admirable this is, how it's inspirational. No, it's bat-shit insane. Nothing more.

I've noticed all the tank tops I wear at the gym are getting big. Thankfully I got them all on sale and can keep wearing them for a while. I may need to get some smaller ones for underneath, but I'm ok with that.

Tonight's dinner was thin slices of baguette, topped with a little pesto and olive oil and fresh mozzarella - heated up. So good. Tomorrow night I need to roast some garlic and get some prosciutto.

I don't have much else to say. I'm just ready for the next step of the journey. I AM interested to see who's going to be there during the journey and at the end, but I guess it wouldn't be part of the journey if there weren't more changes.

Everybody come take my hand. We'll walk this road together, through the storm whatever weather, cold or warm.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Don't Think I Don't Think About It - Darius Rucker


I left out in a cloud of taillights and dust. Swore I wasn't coming back, said I'd had enough. Saw you in the rear view standing, fading from my life. But I wasn't turnin' 'round, no not this time. But don't think I don't think about it. Don't think I don't have regrets. Don't think it don't get to me, between the work and the hurt and the whiskey. Don't think I don't wonder 'bout could've been, should've been all worked out. I know what I felt, and I know what I said, but don't think I don't think about it. When we make choices, we gotta live with them. Heard you found a real good man and you married him. I wonder if sometimes I cross your mind. Where would we be today if I never drove that car away? 

I don't have a lot to say about the song, it's a favorite of mine, and I listen to it often. Maybe more than I should lately. Everything happens for a reason, right?


I saw "Eat, Pray, Love" today. I've read the book 1.5 times (Yes, I'm halfway through re-reading it). I had heard about it for a while, but I picked it up the weekend that the ex and I called off the wedding. I had no idea that it would mirror how I was feeling, or the impact it would have on me. I found myself picking it up here and there, and not reading it all at once, but that seemed to work based on what was going on in my life. I went alone today, by design, and willed the people watching it with me to be courteous movie-goers. Without giving it away - all I can say is...WOW. Just wow. It's funny how it still mirrors my thoughts. I will be seeing it again in theaters and I can guarantee that I will have the DVD when it comes out. See the movie. You won't regret it.

Tonight I went shopping for groceries and found myself wanting fresh mozzarella. I picked up some plum tomatoes, fresh mozz, some pearl mozz, basil and pesto among other things. I decided in light of my new love affair with the gym, I'm going to have a love affair with food. Good, flavorful food that is still within my diet and daily calories. There's something to be said for savoring flavors. I need to get some prosciutto at some point, but I like the idea of the "anti-pasta"  platter for meals. Simple, yet full of flavor. That's what I'm going for. Good food, great workouts, and a new love affair... with life.

Don't think I don't wonder 'bout could've been, should've been all worked out. I know what I felt, and I know what I said, but don't think I don't think about it. When we make choices, we gotta live with them.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Happy

Happy - Leona Lewis
Someone once told me that you have to choose what you win or lose. You can't have everything don't you take chances. Might feel the pain, don't you love in vain. Cause love won't set you free. I can't stand by the side and watch this life pass me by. So unhappy, but safe as could be. So what if it hurts me? So what if I break down? So what if this world just throws me off the edge? My feet run out of ground. I gotta find my place. I wanna hear my sound. Don't care about all the pain in front of me, cause I'm just trying to be happy, yeah. Just wanna be happy. 

I'm sitting on the couch very very aware of my abs. They hurt. No, they don't hurt actually, but they are letting me know they are there. I wonder when sit-ups (with a 7lb medicine ball no less) got to be ...easy. Or when doing crunches and holding for 5 seconds each got to be easy. When did the number of a guy who owns a running store and is going to put together my 5k training plan... get to be exciting? Maybe at the same time that I realized I'm pretty flipping happy.

I look forward to the gym. I like the burn. I'm obsessed now with tracking my calories and exercise on FitDay.com. Still not hitting even 1200/day, but working on it. I got asked today if I'm having a mid-life crisis. Jokingly I said "yes, bite me". But in reality, this isn't a crisis. This is just mid-life. The motorcycle I want to buy next spring MIGHT be a mid-life crisis. Or a reward. I'm going with reward.

On a different note. Steven Slater may just be my hero. I've flown a LOT, and starting to fly a lot more and I love this guy. Maybe it's that I'm in the industry - but you really do get to a point that you can't take any more. People flying can be downright horrible - treating flight attendants like dirt. They are the same people that treat front desk staff like crap too. I can't think of a better way to go out than down the emergency landing slide with a couple of beers in hand. Ok, I'd probably have taken some vodka, but that's just semantics. People seem either appalled at what he did, or they are 100% behind him. I'd guess that the split is between those in the service industry and those not. I'm sure there were better ways to handle it, but I still admire the guy for refusing to take more. Maybe there's something to be said for that - not to the degree he did, but in day to day. If you're not happy... change it.


So what if it hurts me? So what if it breaks me down? So what if this world just throws me off the edge? ....Don't care about all the pain in front of me, cause I'm just trying to be happy, yeah. Just wanna be happy.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Play On

"Play On" - Carrie Underwood

What you're gonna do when the show is over.  What you're gonna sing when the the song ends. How you're gonna cope when there is no closure. Where you're gonna reach when the goal gets higher. How you're gonna make it through when you think you lost your chance. Play on when you're losing the game. Play on 'cause you're gonna make mistakes. It's always worth the sacrifice, even when you think you're wrong, so play on.


So lets start with some cold hard numbers. 2 months. 3ish weeks "off time" for travel etc. 15 pounds lost. 9" lost (probably closer to 10 or 11, but I mis-measured on the 1st time a couple of places).... I did a weigh-in yesterday so I knew what that was, and I was excited. Today I decided to do my measurements, and was adding up the totals and subtracting...and doing it a few more times. My new motivation... is 15# and 9". There have been a lot of days I just didn't want to go to the gym, to get out of bed, to do any work...to do anything, but now more than ever, I'm motivated.

Today was a cardio day. In light of gearing up for running (really, running, ugh!), I decided I need to do some endurance training so I don't die on the track. I have been reading up on various treadmill work outs and found out that one of the "Biggest Loser" workouts (Love that show BTW), is to start out at the highest incline the treadmill will go (in my case 15%) at a slow pace (I started a bit too fast and almost died). Since I was doing a 30 min work out, every 2 mins I decreased my incline and upped my speed. What a workout! I LOVE IT!!!! On my weight training days, I'll still do this - and eventually I'd like to do 30 mins on weight days and 45-60 on cardio days. Try it if you have a treadmill - you'll thank me!!

Today was also Day 1 of the Oh Yeah! Vanilla Creme protein shake for breakfast. It's ok. Still too milky for my taste, but it's only 8oz, so I can swig it down pretty quickly. I'm struggling to hit 1500 calories most days, and eating breakfast has always been a struggle. Well, at least 1st thing in the morning. So we decided that I'd try protein shakes as a replacement. I'm exploring some other protein options (including Nectar - fruit flavored ones you can add to Crystal Light or water), so we'll see what the final verdict is. Still didn't hit 1500 calories today - but I'm not hungry. The more I work out, the less I want to eat. And my metabolism seems to be increasing. I find myself having to force down almonds and cashews for more calories.

I got a little excited today thinking about the running regimen today. But realize I need to buy a runners watch for pace etc, an arm band for my ipod, and goodness knows how many pair of sneakers I'll go through. I realized after my trainer said something about disturbing comfort zones - that's exactly what I'm doing, and I LOVE it.

This journey hasn't been easy - I've wanted to give up and give in. I still don't know what my 5 year plan is (What a stupid question!) but I know it involves a new love of exercise, possibly a new love of running, and a new love of me. I still can't believe this is the journey I'm on some days, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Play on when you're losing the game. Play on 'cause you're gonna make mistakes. It's always worth the sacrifice, even when you think you're wrong, so play on. Here's to being wrong, making mistakes and knowing that the sacrifice IS worth it... I'm playing on.

Monday, August 9, 2010

My Wish - Rascall Flatts

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow, and each road leads you where you want to go, and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you. And if one door opens to another door closed, I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window, If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile. But more than anything, more than anything, my wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small, you never need to carry more than you can hold. And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too. Yeah, this, is my wish. I hope you never look back, but ya never forget, all the ones who love you, in the place you left. I hope you always forgive, and you never regret, and you help somebody every chance you get. Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake, and you always give more than you take.


Somewhere along the way, I guess I forgave. Maybe I always had? I don't know but it's a very peaceful feeling right now. I don't hate him, I don't at all love him, and I just want to forget him. There used to be a time that I couldn't remember life without him, now I can't remember life with him again. I'm ok with that. I hope he's ok, successful and happy. But that's all. I know that feeling isn't mutual and that's ok too. It just proves we weren't meant to be forever, we were just meant to be for a reason.
I took today off to attend my friends' wedding. We all went to high school together, but 2 lives separated after high school met up 2 years ago. They now have a baby, a blended family and today, got married. It makes me believe that if things are truly mean to be, they will be. We can't force fate's hand, she's got her own agenda. This was a quickly planned wedding, low-key, parents only (ok and me, but I was the kid herder). Somewhere along the way I decided my non-traditional, non-girly friend WOULD be wearing something old , new, borrowed, and blue. We got them all covered. Her something borrowed ... was the necklace I planned on wearing at MY wedding. I wasn't sure how I would feel about that today, but all I know is that it looked perfect with her dress and it's no longer my "wedding necklace".
There's still a lot of things on my mind, but they are less and less of a stress. In the meantime, I'm sure I'll find plenty of things to blog about.
Now... since I have the day off... a nap, then the gym. I'm starting to love my hard workouts. I might not be able to move later tonight, but the new outcome is one I'm willing to deal with. I need to research running training too. There's a track at a school across from my condo that I plan on doing most of my training on in the coming months, but I need to find something that works for me. It's looking like my first 5k will be in Vermont for Thanksgiving. Looking for a Turkey Trot, but that's the plan now. It will be nice to have family and friends there for my 1st run.

Admittedly I cringe a bit when I think about being a runner. Me, a runner? I don't think it will be a new synonym for me - this is more of a goal than anything - but who knows. I saw a car in front of me with the "Runner Girl" sticker on it and thought "hmmmm, maybe after the 1st 5k ... I'll get one of those". So... we'll see.

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow, and each road leads you where you want to go, and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you. - thank you for the memories, the good and the bad. You've helped me become stronger even in the worst hours.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Say....

Say - John Mayer

Take all of your wasted honor every little past frustration. Take all of your so-called problems, better put 'em in quotations. Say what you need to say
....Say what you need to say.... Walking like a one man army fighting with the shadows in your head. Living out the same old moment knowing you'd be better off instead, if you could only . . .Say what you need to say ....Say what you need to say.... Have no fear for giving in have no fear for giving over. You'd better know that in the end its better to say too much, then never say what you need to say again. Even if your hands are shaking and your faith is broken, even as the eyes are closing do it with a heart wide open. Say what you need to say ....Say what you need to say.... 


I had (am actually having!) a convo with one of the most awesome women I've had the pleasure of knowing right now, a coworker, and I can safely say a friend, and I mentioned that I feel like sometimes I hold back in my blog, and I don't know why. Maybe it's because of who I know will read this, but I guess at the same time, that shouldn't matter. I should be able to say what I want here, and to those in my life, about my life.

Last night, after cardio, I sat in front of the computer with 5 tabs open after doing a Google search of "how to forgive".  I didn't get so far with that. But I made me wonder... I've always thought that in the past I've been able to forgive and move on. Have I really? Did I just sweep things away? Or did I forgive - and right now, I am just not ready to? (I don't really like that answer!!)

So that brings me to my next question/thought... how do you know if someone is here for a reason, a season or a lifetime? Again, I thought I knew how to answer that for most people in my life, but it seems lately I might be wrong. Maybe I'm having trouble admitting someone I thought might be in it for the lifetime... was really in it for a reason or a season, and I'm not willing to accept that. Maybe the leaves are just changing color on our season, and we need to make it through a few more before it's a lifetime? (I seem to be full of questions that I can't answer lately!)

Take all of your wasted honor every little past frustration. Take all of your so-called problems, better put 'em in quotations. Say what you need to say

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Hurt

Hurt - Nine Inch Nails/Johnny Cash
I hurt myself today to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real. The needle tears a hole the old familiar sting. Try to kill it all away but I remember everything

Ok - odd song choice, but it's the only one I could think of that got my point across. I'm sore. I hurt. My abs have gotten progressively more sore since last night. My lower back is tight and tender (we'll be careful tomorrow and change it up a bit). My abs, did I mention them? OH and my shoulders (I just reached to scratch an itch on my back...yeah, ouch).

Today was cardio. I don't know if I could have done much else. Tomorrow is more of yesterday. I am skeptical about being able to function on Thursday, but we'll see. Face the pain... that's all I can do!

I have nothing to say, but a lot on my mind. Working through things... working, living, gym.

I hurt myself today to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real - and it's GOOD!

Monday, August 2, 2010

I'm Moving On

I'm Moving On - Rascal Flatts
I'm movin' on. At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me and I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone. There comes a time in everyone's life when all you can see are the years passing by \and I have made up my mind that those days are gone. I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't stopped to fill up on my way out of town. I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't. I had to lose everything to find out. Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road

I have a feeling this will be a bit disjointed and jumping around - there's a lot on my mind. I'll start with the highlights: (These may be in the wrong order ... sorry!)

  • Went back to the gym again. I took an extended break for a pity party. 
  • Found some awesome new recipes I can't wait to try - I'll be posting recipes along with blog entries in the coming days/weeks. I'm excited to try the 100 calorie margaritas and vodka cocktails too!
  • I'm making a renewed point to live life for me and about me. 
  • I've decided I need to learn meditation - I want a clear, calm mind
  • I need to forgive my ex. 
The last few weeks have been crazy at work - nuts. Yelling hotels, unhappy hotels, more unhappy hotels, fixes, more upset hotels, more fixes. Never a dull moment. The stress was there though. Add in a long weekend trip to Omaha and I missed a week and half at the gym. My trip to Omaha was filled with almost every emotion from joy to exhaustion to sadness to anger. I was visiting on of my best friends, so I made a pretty stealth trip. A few people knew the details, a few more as it got closer. I got some quality time with friends, lots of fun times filled with laughter with C, and a revelation (while sitting in a bar no less) that I really need to forgive my ex. The anger and bitterness came back with a vengeance. I wasn't prepared for that at all. It took me by surprise and I know changed the tone of my last day in Omaha. Without going into details - I've come to realize that I need to, must, have to forgive my ex. While I've moved on - and wouldn't go back, this last detail is the hardest, biggest and the one standing in my way and causing me pain - even a year later. So now the big question... HOW do I forgive him - and what am I forgiving? Does he even need to know? (Probably not, it's best that way). My revelation led to me being a bit reserved on the last day of my trip, pushing away someone I didn't need to - and overwhelmed. We spent the afternoon before my flight at the zoo. I love the zoo - I love any zoo, but I hadn't been to the Omaha zoo since the ex proposed - in front of the giraffes. We spent the afternoon wandering around laughing at the animals and taking it all in. As we rounded the corner to the giraffe exhibit. I honestly thought I could stand there, in the same place I was almost a year to the day and be ok with it. And I was - for all of about a minute. I couldn't talk, I just pulled my sunglasses off the top of my head and on to my face, turned on my heel and made a bee-line for anywhere but there. Poor C ... Thankfully - he knew - and let me cry for a minute and then does what he always does - made me laugh.
Sitting at the airport bar, taking it all in I was filled with so many emotions. Anger kept taking over though as I knew I needed to forgive and move on. How could I not have forgiven though at this point? The last week has been hard - I've not really known what to say or think, and in the process pushed someone I shouldn't have. I'm defensive and on edge.

Somewhere along the way during my pity party for one, I decided it was back to basics in making ME happy. Work, gym, cooking, reading more books, and enjoying life - the life I have, that's been given to me. I used to read books like they were going out of style - but over the last few years, I have found myself not able to concentrate for long on them. So I'm going to work on that. I have a number of suggestions, and a number of unread books sitting here. I am going to start learning about meditation - I want a clear mind, a calm mind. Suggestions are welcome. I am not 100% sure where to start, but I'll get there. Which leads me to my last 2 bullet points ...

I've found a great site (I saw it on "The View" - don't laugh!) call Hungry Girl (www.hungry-girl.com) - she has a few cookbooks out - and takes lots of full fat/calorie meals/snacks/foods and makes them lower cal and better all around. There are a couple cookbooks of hers that I will be getting as well. Stay tuned for new recipes!!

And the gym. I knew I needed to go back. I knew I needed something more intense. I have to run a 5k in 3.5 mos... not going to the gym isn't an option anymore. So I went in today .. and told Billy (Mr. Pain) that I needed something more intense, an in essence, an ass-kicking. Billy's wife Lisa (Mrs. Pain) was in the gym - and they decided they were going to invite themselves to my pity party and give me the ass-kicking I asked for. In hindsight, I maybe should have thought about that. I'm still doing 3 days of weights/cardio and 2 of just cardio (I'm taking weekends off - for me, for my own needs) - but my weight/cardio days just got a lot harder. 30 mins of cardio - and a new weight circuit that works a lot of my core - but arms (holy crap) and legs. I was worried about being able to walk up the stairs, I really should have been worried about being able to lift a glass of water to my lips. New machines, lots of free weights and some new core work. My abs hurt bad enough I thought I was going to throw up, my arms were shaking. I love it. LOVE it. Can't wait for more. And let me just say - doing crunches is getting easier, sit ups are ok... not my fave, but a sit up w/ a 7lb medicine ball in your hands and feet held down SUCKS. Monica Selles and her grunting on the court when she's hitting tennis balls ain't got nothing on me doing a sit up with a medicine ball. It wasn't even voluntary either!

And my last bit. In talking with Billy when I could breathe and catch a breath - I mentioned the blog and how I have gotten nice emails asking when I was going to update, scolded because I haven't, and some demanding "update!!" comments - he hit the nail on the head - it's about accountability.

So I'm moving on... I'm not letting life pass me by ... and I'm going to find this forgiveness that I need.