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Sunday, June 20, 2010

What a Wonderful World

What a Wonderful World - Louis Armstrong

I see trees of green, red roses too, I see them bloom for me and you and I think to myself what a wonderful world. I see skies of blue and clouds of white the bright blessed day, the dark sacred night. And I think to myself what a wonderful world. The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky are also on the faces of people going by,I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do. They're really saying I love you. I hear babies crying, I watch them grow, they'll learn much more than I'll never know, and I think to myself what a wonderful world.Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I got yelled at for not blogging - so here goes. (I guess it should be quick since Lily just brought out her beanie baby, which means it's close to bed time).

Every time I hear this song, it makes me think of the two most amazing men in my life. My Dad, and my Grandpa. I can't tell you exactly why, but I distinctly remember going to my cousin's wedding in Boston (and missing the wedding - pre-GPS - because we were lost), and going to the Parker House for the reception (Now the Omni Parker House - it's a hotel world thing...). I remember being excited to be eating Parker House Rolls at THE Parker House. But I remember this song playing. Maybe that's why this song makes me think of them, I'm not sure.

Since it's Father's Day, it seems appropriate. So many of my memories growing up involve both of them. From the sugar house (and keeping soda cold in the snow bank), to 4th of July chicken ....slaughtering. (I remember telling my 7th grand Science teacher that chickens were fully ready on the 4th of July.... poor guy was pretty shocked I think), to riding "over east" or "up west" on the tractor.

When I was in Kindergarten - Grandpa - the town mailman - would bring me to school most days. I'm pretty sure I thought I was hot shit because of that. Sometimes he would give me money for chocolate milk, other times he would rescue me when I'd forgotten my snack. I'm pretty sure I still think I was hot shit because he did that for me. Sometimes I'd go out on the mail route with him - THAT was pretty cool. Today though, I just cherish the time I get to spend with him. Today, when I called for Father's Day, he thanked me for calling, asked me to call more often (I will) and asked when I was coming home because he and Grandma really enjoy seeing me. One of my reasons for moving here was to be closer to family - and in moments like that, I know it was the right choice.

I was filling up my new tool box today - and laughing because I was transferring over tools that my Dad bought me on a trip to California. He was trying to putter around and fix something and was almost shocked that I didn't have any tools. "Meg" he asked "how did you put together that TV stand?" My reply? "A shoe". The next day, I had a basic tool kit. I got the stubborn gene from Dad, and the pig headed gene... but nope, couldn't get any of the "Shop Teacher" genes. Thanks Dad. :) The older I get, the more the lessons he tried to teach me are easier to take. Hindsight really is 20/20 - I wish I'd listened earlier.

There's one other "Dad" I can't leave out. John B. What an amazing Dad, Husband and friend. John passed away earlier this year, but my memories of him (Lucky) and Dad (Lucky) are as long and deep as my memories of my own Dad. I remember when it became a local call from Orwell to Brandon. I think the heavens opened up a little for Dad and John - who used to talk almost daily on the phone about the going's on at Otter Valley. (You'd think they would have talked in the hallways... but no!).

Happy Father's Day to my Daddy, Grandpa - and all the Dad's in my life.  You truly make it a wonderful world.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Bring on the Rain

"Bring on the Rain" - Jo Dee Messina
It's almost like the hard times circle 'round, a couple drops and they all start coming down. Yeah, I might feel defeated, I might hang my head, I might be barely breathing - but I'm not dead. Tomorrow's another day and I'm thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain. I'm not gonna let it get me down, I'm not gonna cry and I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight.

I woke up after a short night of "eh" sleep - to thunder and rain. I won't lie, I was a little excited for a rainy day. Who doesn't love a rainy day? The rain wore off for most of the day and I felt like I was on warp speed - go-go-go all day. Around 430p it started to get dark though - and I checked the weather to see if we were expecting more rain. Indeed we were. I wanted to do nothing more than crawl into bed and stay there and listen to the rain. And I did, for a few minutes. I knew I HAD to go to the gym though. I just had to. So I got up... and made my way to the gym as it started lightening and thundering and raining hard. My back was bothering me a bit, my mind wasn't in the game, but I pushed through and by the end, was very glad I did.
 
I still haven't done much tonight, but I still made it to the gym. They say it takes 21 days to make a habit, and I'm 9 days in. Better than I thought I would be!!!
 
I have nothing witty or exciting to offer. Lots of thoughts going on ... they just don't seem to be making their way to the keyboard. Maybe in time.

Love who you love...with all that you have

"Love Who you Love" - Rascall Flatts
Should have stolen every moment now there's a page with not enough on it where we belong. I guess I'll never understand it. Why do we take it all for granted until it's gone? Cause then it's gone. Love who you love with all that you have and don't waste the time that flies so fast. Love who you love, and say that you do. Hold on as tight as they'll let you. Love who you love.

There are a lot of days that I am frustrated, in a funk, "down", and sometimes a little bitter/angry, and it takes a harsh reminder that in reality, I have it really really good. I wonder what it will take to not have to have the harsh reminders pull me back to reality. And from today on, I'm striving to remember just how good I have it.

I'm so blessed with a truly amazing family. I grew up living next door to my Grandparents and Great Grandparents. I lived a short distance from my other Grandmother, and I saw them all frequently. I'm the 5th generation to grow up on our family "farm". I'm blessed with friends that are nothing short of wonderful & supportive. I have an amazing job that gave me the opportunity to work from home again, doing what I love with hotels that I have fun with. (Even though they are a constant source of frustration, I do love what I do!). I live 10 minutes from the beach, and I got to choose where I moved to for the job. I'm blessed and lucky and I really do have it good.

Yesterday's harsh wake up call was a message from a close friend in California. She lived with us for a while, and worked for me at 2 hotels. She was one of my best supervisors ever, and became a close friend. Since I moved her life has gone into a tailspin a time or two, and all I could do was stand on the other side and watch and wait for her to reach out to me. She lost a baby in January, her mom had cervical cancer this spring. Her life has never been easy. She grew up on the wrong side of the tracks. Her mom was 14 when she gave birth. She's seen things I could only have nightmares about. We couldn't have come from different worlds if we'd tried that hard, but somehow, we became amazing friends. I spent weekends with her family drinking, playing cards, bbqing and having a general good time. We chatted for a few minutes and she asked if I could give her a call, she had some news that she didn't think I'd want to hear via an IM. So I gave her a call, we chatted for a few minutes and she told me she was pregnant again. That in itself was scary for me, and her, as there's no guarantee she will be able to carry to term again. However the shocking news was that her mom had passed away a few weeks ago. After a few minor heartattacks, she passed away at home, in her daugthers arms, on her couch, exactly as she would have wanted it. She was 45. Brenda was the rock of her family. She told it like it was, but loved with all she had. She would have done anything for her family, and usually did. They accepted this small town white girl into their small town Mexican family like I was another daughter. I'm pretty sure there is nothing that they wouldn't have done for me, had I asked. Fiecely loyal...loving with all that they had.

I can't imagine losing my Mom right now, or ever. (Or my Dad). I don't know how I would get through the day every day... but I'm certainly reminded how lucky I am that I still have my parents, grandparents and friends.

I went to the gym shortly after my call with Amanda, popped on some angry music and hit the treadmill for 2 miles in 30ish minutes. I felt marginally better after, but drained. I came home and spent the evening chatting with LeeAnn and got into bed at 9p. (Granted I didn't go to sleep till 1a... ) I didn't eat dinner (bad), I didn't pass go, didn't collect $200. This morning I woke up feeling somewhat better, but still so sad for my friend, but so grateful and humbled. I'm living life starting today, taking nothing for granted.

Love who you love, and say that you do. Hold on as tight as they'll let you. Love who you love.


RIP Brenda Card ... thank you for the lessons you taught me ... and the $$ I won from you in cards. <3

Monday, June 14, 2010

Lose Yourself

"Lose Yourself" - Eminem

Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted-One moment. Would you capture it or just let it slip?.....You better lose yourself in the music, the moment you own it, you better never let it go, you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow this opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo

I guess today's title has multiple meanings... I hadn't thought about it until just now when I looked at it again. I haven't updated my iPod yet (that's on my list for tomorrow), but I can assure you that there will be some good "angry" music on my gym playlist. I've found that Eminem gets me really into my cardio. When I feel like I really just don't want to do it... I flip to "Lose Yourself" followed by "Sing for the Moment" ... and I'm back in my groove and feeling good. I find myself losing myself in the moments there. In fact today I found myself looking forward to my workout. I couldn't wait to get to the gym. It's been a bit of a long weekend, and a busy Monday at work, with some added outside stress. I got on the treadmill and hit my "cruising altitude" for a pre-lifing warm up, and I felt myself relax. That was a pretty odd feeling. And then I found myself lost in the moments of being on the treadmill and not thinking about anything but what I was doing. I could get used to that.

Monday, Wednesday & Friday is the lifting circuit (and some core work), Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday is purely cardio. I forgot to grab a copy of my actual lifting circut - but lets see if I can remember:

  • 20 mins cardio (Treadmill) to warm up
  • Medicine Ball Work - 8lb medicine ball held at the chest - elbows out and moving left to right not taking the ball off your chest (2 sets of 20)
  • Medicine Ball Work - touching the medicine ball from side to side on the floor at a pretty quick pace (2 set of 20)
  • Crunches - (2 Sets of 15)
  • Reverse Crunches (2 sets of 15)
  • Kettle Ball lifts - I have a huge knot in my back and some lower back pain - so this is helping to stretch and strengthen. Lift a 17lb kettle ball from the floor to stomach and back down. (2 sets of 15)
  • Calf Raises - 60 lbs (2 sets of 15)
  • Leg Extensions - Quads - 100, 120, 140 lbs (1 set of 15 of each weight)
  • Leg raises - Hamstrings 30 lbs (2 sets of 15)
  • Arm raises - Forearms/Biceps/Triceps - 45 lbs (2 sets of 15)
  • Lateral Lifts - 5lb dumbells (2 sets of 15)
  • Bicep curls 7.5lb dumbells (2 sets of 15)
  • Chest Presses - 45 lbs (2 sets of 15)
  • Lateral Pulls - 20 lbs (2 sets of 15)
I think that's it... After my work out I asked Billy his thoughts on coming in 2x a day. He told me he's fine with that but I'm only allowed to lift once a day. I went at lunch the other day for cardio and felt great and energized when I came back. I think there's something to it! So I'm going to try a few days a week going at lunch and for my normal after-work-workout. Billy said he will let me push myself as much as I want as long as I'm feeling ok.

My fridge is stocked with whole grain/multi grain bread, turkey, cucumbers, and right now watermelon. I didn't like much of the other produce at the grocery store I was at last night - so I'm going to venture to this "World Food Market" sometime this week. It's huge and looks promising. Next up - finding a water deliver service. I hate forgetting to put my water bottles in the fridge and like the idea of cold water when I want it!

I could write a book about the other thoughts on my mind... but I'm not going to. I'm grateful for LeeAnn and her unending encouragement, understanding, venting and love ... I'd seriously be lost with out her lately!


Saturday, June 12, 2010

Red Light

"Red Light" - David Nail
So this is how it ends. This is where it all goes down. This is what "I don't love you" feels like. It ain't the middle of the night and it ain't even raining outside. It ain't exactly what I had in mind for goodbye; at a red light in the sunshine on a Sunday. Nothin' to say don't even try. Some are comin' home, some are leavin' town while my world's crashin' down. On a Sunday, in the sunshine, at a red light.

When I heard this song... I was stopped dead in my tracks in whatever I was doing. It was a Saturday. It was sunny. We were trying to decide if we were going to postpone the wedding in case my Mom had to have surgery. I flippantly, in frustration said something along the lines of "you're not being helpful, you probably don't even WANT this stupid wedding". Never in a million years did I think that I couldn't be more right. When I hear the song now, I'm still brought back to that day, but it's ok.



Think of how different it would be if you never met that one person that changed everything.

I read this the other day and it's been in my mind ever since. There are a few people that fit into the category. Certainly my ex, and that day. It all changed in a heartbeat. I didn't know how to get through the days. I started trying to get through hours and minutes. It got easier. Some days were better than others. Some weren't. I finally decided I wanted to start dating again... WOW! I had NO idea what I was in for. Not.at.all. I don't remember 1st dates being so... bad. I'd all but given up when I got a message from a guy. I replied, not paying much attention. It wasn't until the next day I realized that he was a bit younger than me. I liked the messgages so I figured "what the hell".

I have to add a bit to the story before I finish ... I had a convo with said guy last night - it went something like this:

Him: "What are you doing?"
Me: "writing a blog, you know, that thing you probably haven't and won't ever read"
Him: "I'm prolly in it"
Me: "Nope, did you want to be? Doesn't matter, you'll never read it"
Him: "Never know"
Me: "Oh I'm fairly certain"
Him: "You're wrong"
Me: "you're going to read it just to spite me now!"

Back to the story. I didn't know this guy who I was reluctantly meeting the night before Thanksgiving was going to end up being one of my very closest friends... I didn't know that he would end up driving from Omaha to VB with me... and I didn't ever fathom how so very alike we would be. I certainly didn't know he would be one of those people that I met that would change it all. (I'm sure when he's reading this out of spite... he may find out things he didn't know) I was reminded that good people, caring people, still exist. I was reminded that family values exist still. I was reminded that a good "country" boy... really ain't so bad. (It's actually pretty good!) I learned that my cat really DOES like (most) people. (Sorry Dad, but your really pissed her off!). (Lily hopped up in his lap the 1st time he was at my house and made herself very comfortable... traitor! She even would look at me like "oh it's just YOU" when I'd come through the front door and not up the stairs ...she was expecting him.) Most of all, I learned that it's ok to trust people again, and that it's ok to tear down the walls.

I won't say that our short journey so far has been easy. Remember I said we're scarily alike? We're not allowed to have bad days on the same day any more. It's messy when we do, and it's not at all pretty. I can be difficult (Shush Mom...!!!!!) - and he puts up with it - even when it's unfounded and I'm being "impossible" and he "doesn't get me". But I will say ... that I'm forever blessed that he's in my life (and like it or not, he's staying... and that's ME liking it or not... I'm pretty sure he's too stubborn to walk away), I'm forever blessed that unknowingly he changed a lot of things in my little world.

You're Gonna Miss This

"You're Gonna Miss This" - Trace Adkins
Your gonna miss this. Your gonna want this back. Your gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast. These are some good times, so take a good look around, you may not know it now but your gonna miss this.

Day 2 of baby sitting my friends' 11mos old ... and he's happily asleep for the 2nd night in a row with minimal tears. He's so sweet and full of smiles and giggles. Earlier he was crawling around on the floor and came over to my feet. He put his little hands out, grabbed onto my middle fingers and pulled himself to his knees. He started grunting and with a little encouragement, he was on his feet. The proud beaming smile he had was beyond priceless. Between that and his sweet sleeping face, I'm not sure I'll forget those moments.
 
I've done a lot of reminiscing lately. I was able to spend Memorial Day in Vermont this year - lots of times with family and lots of time with Lee Ann and Jayden. Both priceless! Walking around my grandparents house, lawn and sitting in their garage for Mom's yard sale brought back a lot of happy memories. I remember playing HORSE in their garage driveway with my uncle and cousin with a red, white and blue basketball. I remember Grandma driving my cousin Kurt and I to meet Kurt's mom in Albany. The particular exit we got off requires you to be in the right hand lane to actually exit. If you stay in the left lane,  you get back on the Northway. Grandma stayed in the left lane, and when she realized her mistake, she promptly started backing up. Kurt and I still laugh about that to this day. Being home was hard this time - Grandma is so thin, Grandpa is using a cane. I realized that indeed - these are some good times, and I am going to miss them. How fortunate I am to be closer to them and to be able to see them more often.
 
The memories with Lee Ann are endless... and probably embarrassing, so I'll leave those out.  When I was packing for the trip from Omaha to Virginia Beach - I picked up some butterscotch candies and cinnamon candies. I was instantly transported back to my Great Grandmother's house. She always had those in a candy jar. In fact, my grandparents have a candy jar full of hard candies in their kitchen currently as well.
 
I remember the look on my my own mom's face when we took her to Kings Canyon National Park for the first time. Her eyes welled up in tears as she took in the sheer beauty of the park. Until you've seen the giant Sequoia's - I don't think you can ever fully appreciate them. A few years later, we went to Yosemite in the winter. Breathtaking. I'm grateful I could spent time with my parents in both parks. I have an equally fond memory of my Mom coming down the Alpine Slide at Pico - mouth wide open ... catching flies while she shrieked with a mix of mostly terror and some glee.  There was another particular moment when she decided after a good snowfall that she was going to sled down our driveway. It was dark out, with the flood light on the garage providing a pretty good light. None of us were prepared for Mom to take off down the hill and end up halfway to Gram & Gramp's. She shrieked and yelled and laughed her ass off the whole way - I'm sure you could hear her at the end of Young Road that night!
 
There's a deer head hanging in my parents Family Room that always makes me smile. Not because it's a mounted deer head, but the elaborate story behind it being there. "It was like a flash of lightening when I put my scope to him" said my Dad (over and over and OVER) in reference to the sun coming up and hitting the scope on his gun as he put his sights on the buck. I remember shooting a shotgun one day and thinking it was with a shell dad hadn't loaded correctly so there wasn't enough or much shot in it, and it wouldn't kick. WOW was I wrong. I remember mornings when it was raining or snowing badly, sitting in my Dad's truck waiting for the school bus...
 
And there are the memories I'm making now. The drive to Virginia Beach... "ummm we need to stop outside of St. Louis to figure out what's going on with Lily..." A few hours later...we'd inherited one pissed off cat. Weekly lunches with my (new) friend Sandi at Wheatfields in the Old Market in Omaha - I looked forward to our weekly lunches - and miss them terribly.
 
I hope I can take the time to reflect on the old and new memories every day, and not take any of them for granted.
 
"So take a good look around ... you may not know it now... but you're going to miss this"

Friday, June 11, 2010

Glitter In the Air

"Glitter in the Air" - Pink
Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands? Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted? Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air? Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, "I just don't care"? It's only half past the point of no return, the tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn,the thunder before the lightning, the breath before the phrase. Have you ever felt this way?

I went to be restless, and a bit "blah" after some bickering w/ a great friend. We've been like this for a few days... or weeks, I don't even know right now. I was tired after dinner with friends. I came home and wrote my blog and went to bed. I woke up a few times to get comfortable and drink some water. I woke up not feeling any better than I had when I went to bed, mentally. I felt ok physically. I'd offered to baby sit for some friends this weekend and knew that tonight I'd be babysitting the most adorable 11mos old boy this side of the Mississippi. My motivation at work wasn't where it could have been, but I did some busy work, tied up some loose ends and decided to go to "lunch" early and go to the gym for cardio. Leading up to going, I found myself looking forward to it. Weird.

I hopped on the treadmill with my iPod (Note to self, get a new damn sync cord tomorrow... the "Gym" Playlist you have sucks!) and did a couple minutes at a pretty slowish speed and no incline. I kept the pace at 3mph and and incline of 1.5 which slowly moved up to 3.5 by the time I was done. 30 mins and 2 miles later, I felt better. My frustrstions were still there, but I just felt better.

Tomorrow is weights again! Monday starts my normal routine. Monday, Wednesday & Friday = weights, Tuesday, Thursday & Saturday is cardio. Sunday is my off day. I'm probably going to start increasing my cardio on M/W/F from a 10 minute workout to 20-30 mins plus weights and eventually move up from 30 mins Tu/Th/S to 45 mins.


I think there might be something to Pink's lyrics. When was the last time you threw a handful of glitter in the air? I can honestly say, I'm pretty sure I never have... but I might just one day soon, maybe sooner than later. The first time I heard this song was on some awards show - I'm always in awe of Pink - but this performance may have taken the cake. I didn't hear the song for a few weeks after that again, but every time I hear it, I fall more in love with it.

"Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted" - why do those words seem so difficult to act upon? I might be able to count on one hand the people I trust with my life... because it's so so hard for me to trust. I'm hopeful in this new journey, I'll learn to trust again, to trust more. One can hope.

I'm looking forward to a day with a sweet 11mos old tomorrow. I think a walk around the trail behind their house (around a lake) is in order. Sunday is all about relaxing. A lounge chair, umbrella, cooler, good book, ipod and my portable fan (Mom I stocked up!) ... on the beach. Waves crashing, kids giggling... that's my bliss.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

For my best friend....

"You've Got a Friend" - James Taylor
When your down and troubled and you need a helping hand, and nothing, whoa nothing is going right, close your eyes and think of me and soon I will be there to brighten up even your darkest nights. You just call out my name, and you know whereever I am I'll come running, to see you again. Winter, spring , summer, or fall, all you have to do is call and I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got a freind.....

Another long day at work, busy busy busy. Don't get me wrong, I like busy, but some days, it's a lot of busy. I'm feelin antsy, unsettled, lately - so by 2pm I was looking forward to the gym. I know, those words shock me, too. I got in and started a 10 min cardio workout on the treadmill. 25 mins and 2 miles later... we started the weight circuit training. This was the full routine - for now. When I get too comfortable, it will change. Double the reps on each station (2 sets of 15 on everything), more weights. Saturday I'll havce it all written out so I can do it myself - and I'll make sure to post exactly what I'm doing.

I like to go go go... and I'm learning rather quickly that I can't. I have to take my time, relax after each set, slow down and give myself time. And by learning I mean Billy kept reminding me. He would purposely start talking to me about variou things, talking to others, so I would take my time and just rest. I told him he's going to make me love coming to the gym. No cell phone, no emails, no hotels...and slowing things down. I'm pretty sure he doesn't think any of those things are bad!

I also learned that it's really easy to breathe when you're not thinking about it. But when you have to think about breathing in to breath out when you're lifting or pushing on the weights, it becomes more difficult. Apparently I hold my breath too.  But all in all - it was a great work out. I was a bit sore (my arms were shaking on the lateral lifts at the end), and a little shakey (sore)... I got home took a shower and ran out to meet some friends I haven't seen in 10 years for dinner.... and I feel good. I can't wait for bed though.

Now on the real subject... for my best friend. It's been almost 8 years since I last lived on the East Coast. Lee Ann has been my best friend for double that. I'm so grateful that time and distance never matter in our friendship. And I'm so glad I'm sooo much closer to her, and we can actually see each other more. People talk about their "best friends" all the time - and a lot of times they seem to have LOTS of best friends. I wonder if they have a best friend like mine though. I can bitch, complain, laugh, cry, snort...and just be ... with mine. Not a day goes by that we don't email, text or talk, even if we're both swamped at work. I knew that when I told her about the gym, she would be supportive. In an email today, she told me she looked forward to reading this blog every morning... I can't tell you how huge my smile was.  I knew when I told her about the insane idea of running a marathon... that I could count on her to be at the finish line. And that statement pretty much sums up our friendship... we'll always be at the finish line for each other.... no matter what. To the sister I never had.... I love you!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

I'm Alive

"I'm Alive" - Kenny Chesney & Dave Matthews
Stars are dancin' on the water here tonight, it's good for the soul when there's not a soul in sight. This motor's caught its wind and brought me back to life. Now I'm alive and well and today you know that's good enough for me.  Breathing in and out's a blessing can't you see. Today's the first day of the rest of my life. Now I'm alive and well. Yeah I'm alive and well.

I'm alive. And a little bit (lot) bat-shit insane. It was a pretty long day, I slept ok, but it was a long day. Emotional. For whatever reason I couldn't get the life I SHOULD be living right now (married... ) out of my head. I know that THIS is what was meant for me, but I couldn't shake it. My ex was all around me. From Pensacola on the news (Hi, Gulf Coast), to seeing 4 Escambia Country FLA license plates (Pensacola is in Escambia). We were going to get married on a beach in Pensacola - and now they are in danger of being cloesd. Anyway... I found myself getting angrier as the day went on - and looking forward to the gym. I knew tonight was cardio - and nothing more. Somewhere along the way, I decided I needed to set a goal, and challenge myself. What I didn't know, is that challenge was going to be bat-shit insane!

I got off the treadmill and was talking with Billy. He asked me how I was feeling etc. I told him good - and I had a goal - a HUGE goal - that I was ready to set for myself. While on the treadmill, I decided that since 35 is just around the corner (18ish months), I needed to go big... or go home. I decided to tell Billy I wanted to run a marathon for my 35th birthday. .................................................... Let me allow you to take that in. A marathon. In 18ish months. Me. A marathon. 26.2 miles. OF RUNNING. The words came out... and I'm pretty sure I was a deer in the headlights. Billy didn't miss a beat. 6 months... and I'll be running a 5k. Then we'll gradually go up from there. Let me go put that back into perspective. 3.1 miles. In 6ish month. I could walk that with no issues. But I'm running. RUNNING. You know, that thing I believe you should only do when being chased. Yeah.

I know this is going to be one of the hardest mental "games" ever. Maybe I need that. I hope I'm strong enough to do it. I guess I don't have a choice now.

Now I'm alive and well and today you know that's good enough for me. Breathing in and out's a blessing can't you see. Today's the first day of the rest of my life

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

(wo)Man In the Mirror

"Man In The Mirror" - Michael Jackson
I'm gonna make a change, for once in my life. It's gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference, gonna make it right... I'm starting with the man in the mirror. I'm asking him to changes his ways. And no message could have been any clearer....
 
Today was Day 1 of the new chapter. It started out painfully early ... I was awake and working around 645a, simply because I couldn't sleep. It was a long day at work, lots of questions, lots of issues, nothing out of the ordinary lately, but it was a long day. At 7p I headed to FTP (Face the Pain) Fitness to meet with Billy, the owner, and my trainer for now. I did a quick warm up on the treadmill and then he put me through what will be my new 6-day a week work out regimen.  3 days of weight circuit training, 3 days of 45ish mins of cardio. We went through all the machines, making sure everything felt ok and I sort of knew what I was doing. I need to see a massage therapist of even a chiropractor as I have a huge knot right between my shoulder blades that's becoming a bit troublesome, but it actually felt better by the end of the night. If I can only remember to breathe correctly. Blow OUT the weights ...blow OUT the weights... Thanks Mr. Pain!
 
I think that my time at the gym is going to be my favorite part of the day. My cell phone is away. No one is emailing me or calling me. No hotels bugging me. All I have to think about are the weights or cardio I'm doing right then. I like that.
 
I need to start decorating the condo. I need to go through pictures and start printing them, deciding what goes where. Maybe I'll get some thrift-store'ing in this weekend, or yard sailing.
 
Tonight was capped off with a call from my dear friend Sandi, in Omaha. Just when I needed it, like usual, Sandi pops into my little world. Usually via email as we're both at work, but I enjoyed her call and I'm sure they will be more frequent.
 
For now, it's drinking water, watching Glee (my guilty pleasure) and a cuddly kitty.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Unwritten

"Unwritten" - Natasha Bedingfield
I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined, I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned... Feel the rain on your skin. No one else can feel it for you. Only you can let it in. No one else, no one else can speak the words on your lips. Drench yourself in words unspoken. Live your life with arms wide open. Today is where your book begins. The rest is still unwritten ...-


It's been just over a month since I moved to Virginia Beach. I've spent a lot of time alone, a lot of time talking to Lily (the cat), and a lot of time reflecting. I have a few (great!) friends here that I've spent the past few weekends catching up with, and it's been wonderful. I spent Memorial Day in Vermont with my family and best friend, Lee Ann. There is nothing like the comfort of family and best friends. I feel like "me" again. Whoever THAT actually is.

In the process of figuring out "me" again... I'm doing for me. I sleep in if I want on the weekends. I go to the beach when I want, do my laundry I want, go to bed early and eat Italian Ice for dinner if I want. (Luigi's Cherry if you must know!)

... and today... I joined a gym. FTP Fitness is it's new name, but I really like it's old name... Face The Pain Fitness.  A husband and wife that I already like run it and own it. It's small, the regulars all know each other. The owners make sure you know what you're doing, they help train you even without personal training sessions. Tomorrow at 7p, I enter "Mr. Pain's World". Billy, the husband, and I, have an appointment to set me up with my beginning circuit training session. I told him not to be too gentle with me, and to kick my ass. I'm doing this for me. I met a girl who's lost 23" since October. Inspiring! I can't wait to be her in 8 months!!!

So here's to a new journey. I don't know where the road leads, where the book ends, or how the chapters get written, but I plan on having a lot of fun along the way.